Sometimes I wish I was a magician,but then I realize I would hate myself more than I already do.

So I'm still blissfully unemployed, sleeping 'till noon, reading and playing video games, rarely embarking on any outings out into the 104 degree desert heat.

This morning, however, I had to attend to my primary financial drain, my car. I woke up around one o'clock, laid in bed reading emails and trying to figure out how the Hell I got home last night. Anyway, my proscribed task of the day was to do a little car maintenance. It's important when unemployed to give yourself tasks to accomplish, thus feeling like you are still contributing to something, even if it's all really just bullshit.

So I went out to the Daubmobile to add a quart of oil (it leaks oil somewhere, I know very little of these things and hope that if I add more than leaks out, all will be well) and change the air filter. This is pretty much all I am able to do myself, and yesterday's quest was to acquire the supplies necessary for this endeavor, so all was prepared.

Needless to say I am quite hungover, and walking out the door is akin to swan diving into the sun. This does not improve my mood, nor my headache. I open the hood of my conveyance and begin the necessary steps involved in this routine maintenance, when I vaguely sense that there is another human being within 30 ft of me. It is as if my senile hermitude has given me some 6th sense, and I could hear her talking on the phone.

I, of course go about my business, the engine parts were hotter than satan's taint and I was swearing quite profusely. I start to get a strange feeling, like when your fly is down and you're in a crowded room. You don't want to draw attention to the mistake by hurriedly zipping up, but you also need to fix the problem before more people notice. The point is, it is at this point that I realize the girl is no longer talking on the phone, she is talking to me. I'm very focused on my tasks, my head buried in my car's engine.

"Hey! Yeah you," I finally absorb from the air and turn around.

"What?" I ask somewhat disappointed that the girl was very not hot.

"Yeah, finally, have you seen a fucking cat come by here?"

"A cat? No, but I've had my head buried in here so..." Between the heat and the alcohol and the oil fumes my IQ is barely high enough to maintain breathing and heart rate.

"You would have noticed a cat come by here, heard it at least."

Uh....I've been sequestered in my apartment for a couple of weeks, did cats get louder while I was away, or maybe she just had large, very loud cats...and she's kinda pissed off, which bothers me 'cause I didn't do shit, and I don't really care a pig's balls about her pet.

"I didn't hear a fucking cat, but I've only been out here about 10 minutes, sorry."

A short pause. She looks at me as if the F bomb was not only inappropriate, but also preemptory. She launched her bomb first.

"No, not a fucking a cat, have you seen a CAB out here, you know a taxi?" she looks at me like I'm a retard, the whole time her cell phone never left her ear.

"Ohh..." my brain ignites like a tetris game waiting for the long, straight four piece and finally getting it, bam! "A taxi, no I haven't seen shit."

She looks at me like I told her the moon smelled funny today and says, "Well if a cab does come by, just yell out for me, ok?"

I have never seen this person in my life, but in the interest of ceasing this awkward social interaction I manage, "If a cab comes by here while I'm out here I will stop it, with my own body if necessary, and if I escape serious injury I will notify you A-Sap."

I then stared at her until she retreated to whatever banal purgatory she subsisted in, and I went back to my task, singing a face to face song in my head, and realizing it had been a couple days since I had looked in a mirror.

end transmission.

Here is the world they’ll try to sell you, here is the ache, barbiturate...

I just realized! I don't know what the fuck I'm doing! I don't have a clue! I'm growing a beard again, that's all I got, and it's mostly grey.

Also, I am not sure it's wrong for a 27 year old mexican dude to beat his 2 year old child to death on the highway, to the point it takes police shooting him to death to end the affair. Why did he do it? Was the kid crying to much? Did he just hate it? I don't know, but it doesn't bother me either way. I feel like nothing people do surprise, shock, or offend me any more, if things like this ever bothered me. I would never beat a child to death, I don't think, but I also thought I'd never see a girl shoot darts out of her vagina....so, what the fuck do I know.

Bartender? Are you sure this has vodka in it?

end transmission.

When you're falling, you're the only one that doesn't see the distance.

Well it's been a while. I've been without the internet, and they frown on drinking and downloading pornography at the library, so, I've been kinda off the radar. Well I turned 30 years old, lost my shitty job, got a sweet infection in my mouth and had to have teeth literally drilled out of my head, luckily it only cost me 3 grand, I saved $400 bucks by staying conscious through the whole procedure, the smell of your own jaw burning with the friction of a drill is something I highly recommend you all endure, it takes your mind to some odd places.

I quit drinking, got hooked on the fun pills from my mouth surgery, ran out of pills and went back to booze. Ironically I've written more in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past year, and I'm happy with about a fifth of it, which is really good.

Before I forget, go buy the new No Use For A Name album, it's the most upbeat depressing album I've ever heard, Tony Sly has always been good at that kinda shit, but he really nailed it here. You don't even know its depressing until after you're done listening to it...that is a magic that is hard to conjure, and is an inspiration to me. It's like falling in love with a girl, having her leave you, sending you into that downward heartbreak spiral for a year or so, only to realize you never really even liked her in the first place.

Anyway...

I guess I glossed over my 3 week awesome return to Colorado. Not only did I get to see all of the people I miss every day, but I got to see a Trevor Keith show, No Use For A Name and NOFX (and my 2 favorite American Steel songs, someday I'll see a whole set, that makes 3 I've misssed). My humiliating Sorry! defeat was not a high point however, and it may have soured me on the entire board game phenom. I really think video games are gonna overtake that market, well only time will tell.

I guess you all would like some witty insight into life or maybe an embarrasing sex story. I can only leave you with this quote from the master himself;

"If you find yourself in bed with a terribly ugly woman, wishing she was pretty will not get it over any quicker."

end transmission.