I did it! After four years of brutal open warfare, with countless, intermitant guerilla skirmishes, I have done the impossible! I have defeated an enemy more terrible than any other foe known to the American people. I stand triumphant over the iniquitous and always unpropitious avatar of perniciousness on our mortal plain!
I, of course, speak of the DMV. Though the fight was arduous and spanned two states, I have finally won! Eat shit Boulder DMV, suck my ass Las Vegas DMV! You must now go on fucking everyone else in holes far too small for your cock of execrable injustice with the painful image of my well won vicotry, buring in your soul! Thus forever ruining your foul ejaculation, decreasing the elation you once felt so clearly knowing that no one could stand up to your rancorous might! Know that every asshole that waits in a 3 hour line in the early morning hours on a fucking Wednesday will be slightly bolstered by my tale and smile slightly through gritted teeth as you dispense your languid writs and permits!
I share this triumph with you all.
Fuck you DMV, I win, you loose, I fooled you you fucks, I won!
end transmission.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
I'm a single succesfull guy.
The Bouncing Souls show was fucking amazing, as they always are live. I heard some of their new songs live and maybe I'm willing to admit their new album is not all bad. The Acoustic version of "Say Anything" was surprising and very cool to hear. I am jealous of all you fuckers in Denver 'cause they're playing two nights, the second night they're playing Maniacal Laughter the whole way through, that should be sweet. I can't believe it's been 10 years since that album came out, it seems like just yesterday I was a young punk in my freashman year at CU drinking and getting into trouble.
That's the good and bad about a band like the Souls, I have so many memories tied to those songs, even those guys in the band, I've seen them so many times they seem like family, which is something i really miss, that "scene" of kids (most of whom I never really liked anyway, ironically) but it reminds me of a time before punk was cool, and only the losers liked it and if you put on a punk cd at a shitty party people got all mad and had no idea why anyone would like that kind of thrashing guitar and too-fast drum beat, with bad vocals and songs about peeing in ice cube trays.
This show had those kind of kids, even punkers my age with their kids, little 5 year olds and shit (maybe their is hope for the future of america) , the contrast to say, the Alkaline Trio show was astounding and not a little sad. I'm old, what I think is cool, oddly enough has finally caught on, and now, it has been destroyed by mass media and trendy bullshit. They sell ripped tshirts for $30 at hot topic, and it's cool to have a fucking FAUX Hawk! (I swear to God it takes all the restraint in my robust frame to refrain from killing anyone with that haircut, bloodily dismembering them and feeding them their own limbs) You can have a godamned mohawk at work in a fancy restraunt! It's socially acceptable, but only in it's new "fagged"up metrosexual form mode. There is something fundimentally wrong with that, and absolutely nothing punk about it..
Punk rock and the mohawk, the New Punk and the Fauxhawk, it's easy to kinda see what I mean, huh?
But most of the music hasn't changed, it has just been dulled somehow. Punk rock has been Fagged up mtreosexualised just like our hair, We sold them our revenge, and now what do we have left?
There are still a lot of good "punk" (now they have all just been thrown into the alternative rock bin of history, and that lack of distiction makes me sad) bands in the scene, most of the older bands keep making good music and playing it for these eyeliner fags, (I even like some of the eyeliner fag bands, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, and some others, they have some balls I even if they do wear women's jeans) and the Bouncing Souls are still strong, they're one of those bands that just make you happy to rock out with, even their sad songs are upbeat and there is just such a rediculous positive energy surrounding them and their music, it's impossible to resist, you can't help but have fun listening to thier shit.
Mostly they make me think of days of yore, of Kap, (who got me into them) and all of our adventures as lads at the sub shop (the First Planet Sub crew, before the Half Fast team.), and Evan and our Bad Religion bonding that ended in a black out and severe injury on my part handing out flyers for a show at a frat party. Mr. Charles Livingston and Medieval Madness, Rats in the Hallway, Hallett Hall and all those fucking assholes. That all seems like a lifetime ago, I miss those days, those kids. At least I still see most of those guys every once in a while, there were a few of those kids who didn't survive (figuritively and literally), and some of those people I'm glad I will never see again.
Worse than all of it, I am the whore I never wanted to be, and it makes me sick, working fulltime at a job that does nothing beneficial other than fill my wallet. Watching Fight Club agian, sorry, that movie always makes me feel like a hypocrite. My things do own me and I am helpless in the face of their seduction.
On a happy note, one of the opening bands was this group of black dudes called Whole Wheat Bread...and I must say they were awesome, I was blown away, i haven't heard/seen a punk band with that much talent, attitude, and heart in a long time. I highly advise any of you in CO to go see them at the Gothic, they will surprise the shit out of you, I promise. They even have T-shirts and bumper stickers that say "I love black people."
I also need a new mouse, my left clicker is gummed up with beer. It makes computing difficult at best.
end transmission.
That's the good and bad about a band like the Souls, I have so many memories tied to those songs, even those guys in the band, I've seen them so many times they seem like family, which is something i really miss, that "scene" of kids (most of whom I never really liked anyway, ironically) but it reminds me of a time before punk was cool, and only the losers liked it and if you put on a punk cd at a shitty party people got all mad and had no idea why anyone would like that kind of thrashing guitar and too-fast drum beat, with bad vocals and songs about peeing in ice cube trays.
This show had those kind of kids, even punkers my age with their kids, little 5 year olds and shit (maybe their is hope for the future of america) , the contrast to say, the Alkaline Trio show was astounding and not a little sad. I'm old, what I think is cool, oddly enough has finally caught on, and now, it has been destroyed by mass media and trendy bullshit. They sell ripped tshirts for $30 at hot topic, and it's cool to have a fucking FAUX Hawk! (I swear to God it takes all the restraint in my robust frame to refrain from killing anyone with that haircut, bloodily dismembering them and feeding them their own limbs) You can have a godamned mohawk at work in a fancy restraunt! It's socially acceptable, but only in it's new "fagged"up metrosexual form mode. There is something fundimentally wrong with that, and absolutely nothing punk about it..
Punk rock and the mohawk, the New Punk and the Fauxhawk, it's easy to kinda see what I mean, huh?
But most of the music hasn't changed, it has just been dulled somehow. Punk rock has been Fagged up mtreosexualised just like our hair, We sold them our revenge, and now what do we have left?
There are still a lot of good "punk" (now they have all just been thrown into the alternative rock bin of history, and that lack of distiction makes me sad) bands in the scene, most of the older bands keep making good music and playing it for these eyeliner fags, (I even like some of the eyeliner fag bands, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, and some others, they have some balls I even if they do wear women's jeans) and the Bouncing Souls are still strong, they're one of those bands that just make you happy to rock out with, even their sad songs are upbeat and there is just such a rediculous positive energy surrounding them and their music, it's impossible to resist, you can't help but have fun listening to thier shit.
Mostly they make me think of days of yore, of Kap, (who got me into them) and all of our adventures as lads at the sub shop (the First Planet Sub crew, before the Half Fast team.), and Evan and our Bad Religion bonding that ended in a black out and severe injury on my part handing out flyers for a show at a frat party. Mr. Charles Livingston and Medieval Madness, Rats in the Hallway, Hallett Hall and all those fucking assholes. That all seems like a lifetime ago, I miss those days, those kids. At least I still see most of those guys every once in a while, there were a few of those kids who didn't survive (figuritively and literally), and some of those people I'm glad I will never see again.
Worse than all of it, I am the whore I never wanted to be, and it makes me sick, working fulltime at a job that does nothing beneficial other than fill my wallet. Watching Fight Club agian, sorry, that movie always makes me feel like a hypocrite. My things do own me and I am helpless in the face of their seduction.
On a happy note, one of the opening bands was this group of black dudes called Whole Wheat Bread...and I must say they were awesome, I was blown away, i haven't heard/seen a punk band with that much talent, attitude, and heart in a long time. I highly advise any of you in CO to go see them at the Gothic, they will surprise the shit out of you, I promise. They even have T-shirts and bumper stickers that say "I love black people."
I also need a new mouse, my left clicker is gummed up with beer. It makes computing difficult at best.
end transmission.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
To Laugh is like swallowing a Secret that Santa Clause Farted.
I was at work at about 5Am this morning, aimlessly walking around in circles, having an internal debate on whether it would be better to have a society where everyone was stupid, or one where everyone was smart. Both have interesting possibilities, on the one hand, if everyone was dumb...you guys don't really care about that so...
A really hot woman came up to me and this is what happened:
"Hey, do you have a light?" She asked.
"Nope, sorry," I said.
"Bullshit, come on you don't have any matches?"
"No bullshit, the bar prolly has some."
"I don't want to go to the bar, why don't you have any matches? Are you one of those non smokers?"
"Yeah. I Find it to be an offensive practice."
"What?"
"No, I don't smoke."
It is at this point the girl pulls a matchbook out of her purse and lights a smoke.
"Did you just try and use matches as an excuse to come over and talk to me?" I asked.
"Yeah, it kinda backfired, I guess. But I guess it was a waste 'cause I smoke and you don't, it would never work."
"We should probably go our seperate ways now, before one of us gets hurt."
I, of course, meant this in a relationship, broken heart kinda hurt, she on the other hand...
"Why, are you gonna hit me? I could take you. No, you'd probably beat my ass stupid, but I'd scream real loud."
?
"Ok, don't worry, I don't want to fight you, anyways," I said.
"What are you some kinda pussy?"
"Something like that."
"My name is ******"
"I'm Daub."
We shook hands.
"You have really soft hands, Daub, " she laughs.
"Thanks, I guess." (people tell me that all the fucking time...maybe I do have girlishly soft hands, so what?)
"Well, just make sure you don't call me ****** if you see me down here with some dude."
Yes, ******* was a hooker. A really hot/high hooker, who then continued to talk my ear off for the next hour and a half. It was a slow night, after all, and it's good to make new friends.
I learned the following things,
1. If i ever need qulity blow, I now have a contact.
2. ****** usually charges $500 for a BJ, $700 for vaginal, $900 for anal. (though she told me she'd suck my dick for $200, 'cause she thought I was cute). She told me about some of the famous dudes she fucked, i told her about the time Peed on a girl in the shower on accident. She told me that would cost $300.
3. Not all hookers have pimps, but most do.
4. It's hard to maintain a romantic relationship AND hook ant the same time. 5. Flirting with prostitutes is free.
6. Hookers are not very smart, though they are pretty good at bullshitting.
7. Not all hookers were molested as children, though this one was, and due to my X-factor (even at work, with A Vegas Prostitute, shit!) I found out all about it. It seems that her dad's brother used to video tape her in her underwear dancing on her bed, and then he'd...well you get the picture.
end transmssion
A really hot woman came up to me and this is what happened:
"Hey, do you have a light?" She asked.
"Nope, sorry," I said.
"Bullshit, come on you don't have any matches?"
"No bullshit, the bar prolly has some."
"I don't want to go to the bar, why don't you have any matches? Are you one of those non smokers?"
"Yeah. I Find it to be an offensive practice."
"What?"
"No, I don't smoke."
It is at this point the girl pulls a matchbook out of her purse and lights a smoke.
"Did you just try and use matches as an excuse to come over and talk to me?" I asked.
"Yeah, it kinda backfired, I guess. But I guess it was a waste 'cause I smoke and you don't, it would never work."
"We should probably go our seperate ways now, before one of us gets hurt."
I, of course, meant this in a relationship, broken heart kinda hurt, she on the other hand...
"Why, are you gonna hit me? I could take you. No, you'd probably beat my ass stupid, but I'd scream real loud."
?
"Ok, don't worry, I don't want to fight you, anyways," I said.
"What are you some kinda pussy?"
"Something like that."
"My name is ******"
"I'm Daub."
We shook hands.
"You have really soft hands, Daub, " she laughs.
"Thanks, I guess." (people tell me that all the fucking time...maybe I do have girlishly soft hands, so what?)
"Well, just make sure you don't call me ****** if you see me down here with some dude."
Yes, ******* was a hooker. A really hot/high hooker, who then continued to talk my ear off for the next hour and a half. It was a slow night, after all, and it's good to make new friends.
I learned the following things,
1. If i ever need qulity blow, I now have a contact.
2. ****** usually charges $500 for a BJ, $700 for vaginal, $900 for anal. (though she told me she'd suck my dick for $200, 'cause she thought I was cute). She told me about some of the famous dudes she fucked, i told her about the time Peed on a girl in the shower on accident. She told me that would cost $300.
3. Not all hookers have pimps, but most do.
4. It's hard to maintain a romantic relationship AND hook ant the same time. 5. Flirting with prostitutes is free.
6. Hookers are not very smart, though they are pretty good at bullshitting.
7. Not all hookers were molested as children, though this one was, and due to my X-factor (even at work, with A Vegas Prostitute, shit!) I found out all about it. It seems that her dad's brother used to video tape her in her underwear dancing on her bed, and then he'd...well you get the picture.
end transmssion
Sunday, November 05, 2006
All Downhill from Here.
Not much to say today.
A few things that I'm afraid to think about, much less say out loud, lest they be jinxed....even though I don't technically believe in such nonsense. Just cross your fingers for me. Eventhough I don't think that will have any causal effect on the outcome, just do it just in case, Thanks
Enough vagueries...The Bouncing Souls are coming this Thursday night, and even though their new album kinda sucks, I know they will be awesome live, they always are and I actually get to go to the show due to its atypical play date. (Who ever heard of a Thursday Night show?)
What else...Oh I went to the Doctor a few days ago for some intense pain in my ear. The bad news was that I had a mild ear infection, probably from listening to too many dirty jokes. The good (and slightly surprising) news is:
I AM APARANTLY THE HEALTHIEST MAN ON EARTH.
The doctor was literally taken aback by my level of good health. I thought he was fucking with me at first, he seemed so surprised, I thought it was some sort of sarcastic method of making me feel better about an ass polup or penis warts. But alas, my Height/Weight/Body Fat ratio was textbook, my blood pressure and heart rate were par for an 18 year old, and my asshole is cancer free. I also have no STD's, and aside from the ear problem, I'm in tip top audio/visual shape. He didn't do any sperm tests, but I did a home count and I had to stop at 1,000 million, with still a shot glass full of fluid left to go!
He told me to keep doing what I was doing and I'd live to be 200.
So in an effort to help you all sprint down the righteous path of longevity, I thought I'd tell you "what I was doing."
1. Lots of vitamins, it doesn't really matter which kind, just take them all, the key just to take most of them everyday.
2. Drink, heavily and often. Everyday if you can.
3. Say "yes" to drugs, but not "please."
4. Eat shittons of meat, avoid bread and sugar.
5. Try to have as little sex as possible (this step I kinda stumbled onto by accident, and completely involuntarily)
6. Rage against the small shit (like people who still use fucking checks at the supermarket...and wait till all their shit is wrung up before they start writing "WHat's the date today...what was the total? You got all my coupons, right?...still that seems high....oops I wrote the check for Safeway, this isn't Safeway, where am I? I better start again. ARGHH!) and let the big shit (George Bush) slide.
7. Take stuff from work.
8. Say "fuck" to little mexican kids as much as oppurtunity allows.
9. Call people while you are pooping, though politeness would dictate that you forgo flushing untill after you hang up.
10. Don't forget to flush after you hang up.
11. Drink with Diet Soda mixers, it has actually been proven alcohol enters your system faster with diet cola than with sugar! No shit. Look it up.
12. Listen only to Punk music from the early and mid 90's, (fall out boy and their modern ilk will not only give you cancer but it will make you gay as well) occaisional Blues and never, ever to rap. Except for that Jay-Z song about 99 problems, that song is ok for some reason.
13. Pee on a church at least once a week.
According to my doctor these are the things that lead to amazing, happy, healthy living. Enjoy!
end transmission.
A few things that I'm afraid to think about, much less say out loud, lest they be jinxed....even though I don't technically believe in such nonsense. Just cross your fingers for me. Eventhough I don't think that will have any causal effect on the outcome, just do it just in case, Thanks
Enough vagueries...The Bouncing Souls are coming this Thursday night, and even though their new album kinda sucks, I know they will be awesome live, they always are and I actually get to go to the show due to its atypical play date. (Who ever heard of a Thursday Night show?)
What else...Oh I went to the Doctor a few days ago for some intense pain in my ear. The bad news was that I had a mild ear infection, probably from listening to too many dirty jokes. The good (and slightly surprising) news is:
I AM APARANTLY THE HEALTHIEST MAN ON EARTH.
The doctor was literally taken aback by my level of good health. I thought he was fucking with me at first, he seemed so surprised, I thought it was some sort of sarcastic method of making me feel better about an ass polup or penis warts. But alas, my Height/Weight/Body Fat ratio was textbook, my blood pressure and heart rate were par for an 18 year old, and my asshole is cancer free. I also have no STD's, and aside from the ear problem, I'm in tip top audio/visual shape. He didn't do any sperm tests, but I did a home count and I had to stop at 1,000 million, with still a shot glass full of fluid left to go!
He told me to keep doing what I was doing and I'd live to be 200.
So in an effort to help you all sprint down the righteous path of longevity, I thought I'd tell you "what I was doing."
1. Lots of vitamins, it doesn't really matter which kind, just take them all, the key just to take most of them everyday.
2. Drink, heavily and often. Everyday if you can.
3. Say "yes" to drugs, but not "please."
4. Eat shittons of meat, avoid bread and sugar.
5. Try to have as little sex as possible (this step I kinda stumbled onto by accident, and completely involuntarily)
6. Rage against the small shit (like people who still use fucking checks at the supermarket...and wait till all their shit is wrung up before they start writing "WHat's the date today...what was the total? You got all my coupons, right?...still that seems high....oops I wrote the check for Safeway, this isn't Safeway, where am I? I better start again. ARGHH!) and let the big shit (George Bush) slide.
7. Take stuff from work.
8. Say "fuck" to little mexican kids as much as oppurtunity allows.
9. Call people while you are pooping, though politeness would dictate that you forgo flushing untill after you hang up.
10. Don't forget to flush after you hang up.
11. Drink with Diet Soda mixers, it has actually been proven alcohol enters your system faster with diet cola than with sugar! No shit. Look it up.
12. Listen only to Punk music from the early and mid 90's, (fall out boy and their modern ilk will not only give you cancer but it will make you gay as well) occaisional Blues and never, ever to rap. Except for that Jay-Z song about 99 problems, that song is ok for some reason.
13. Pee on a church at least once a week.
According to my doctor these are the things that lead to amazing, happy, healthy living. Enjoy!
end transmission.
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